OK so in the last couple of days I been a whinger. Whiney winey whingy woo. Even those last four words look startlingly depressing and it’s not good to express doubt & negativity openly. I did hit a bad patch. Worrying about ‘them’, those who love to await you around dark corners and hit you from behind. Then today i awoke to my new dawn. I can’t say i will never not nohow won’t whinge again, I’m a Man and men get grumpy, don’t they? Do men have men-o-pauses? So, enough, cut to the quick.
I saw light out my window and thought maybe it be breaking my fast time? White light.Whoopee, some brekker and I can watch last night’s soccer cos it comes on too late fer me to watch last nicht, a man o my age. So I walked to the curtain and flung it back. It was the light of a full moon. AND standing out bright and proud, if stars can get pride (of course not stupid unless they have a planet orbiting around them on which the critical mass of its beings are proud then stars don’t be proud, altho some stars like say David Bowie can get proud, can’t they?) was the Great Bear, stark naked in th’sky. Well very bright anyway, very bright. And I realised my whingeing about what ‘they’ may say/said was my fear. Fear of inadequacy, fear of failure, failing to be ‘good enough’. I want to be good enough, well at least that little boy who won’t go away inside me does. He is still trying to please his mum and all that Freudian stuff. But I do not dig freud anyway, much prefer Jung and even Wilhelm Reich altho the latter did become a bit of a control freak I love his book , ‘Listen Little Man’.
But, to the point. I realised it wer my Fear. I thought I had dealt with that asshole. But it comes back. Self doubt and concern for future. Then i remember my buddhist thing, there is not any need to fear, why, becos, because, be-cause of your own life- do not let ‘them’ get you down because no matter what they say or don’t say ‘It’s too late to Stop Now!’ Thanks Van. When I quote someone I hear the accusation that am ‘re-iterating’ ring in my ears, don’t they know about the new big thing in ‘art’? Appropriation. That’s where they take swathes of stuff someone else created and re-present it and say it is theirs. I never do that, yet, but I do intend to for my commemoration of the Burnley ‘pals’ who were sacrificed in 1916, you’ll have to wait fer that. Anyway, I am on my way and nothing can take away what I have learned, what I have achieved and what I have done/made. like Major Tom I Am out there. Like Van said, ‘they gotta climb too high to SEE my point of view’. He meant like Martin did , the view over the hill, Pendle hill.Tonight I saw the view that banished my doubts. The full moon and The Great Bear with his belt of Orion and his dangly sword, the Great Warrior lighting up my horizon reminding me that the piddling pettiness and barbed arrows of some are as needles off the back of Gulliver. Cast ‘they’ adrift and sail on to your destination, well not yet, i ain’t going nowhere yet before i complete a few more of my books and all.
Now am thru that phase and come striding out the other side shedding skin like a snake leaves behind its past I must finish on some high notes, crescendo. I was looking for a rainbow photo to place in this pete’s (piece). And i couldn’t find it but i found more than that I found a genius. Robert Lenkiewicz. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-21640622
I was lucky one day he allowed me into his place and we spent a couple of hours chatting. The man was a GENIUS and I don’t say that lightly. He was astoundingly talented and had vast Knowledge. I won’t go into detail, but believe me it’s true. He was a Rembrandt scholar and his work was as a modern Rembrandt. But ‘they’ chose to ignore him. What chance can a minnow like me have? I regret not asking him if i could paint him, like i did Topolski several times, Feliks T. was another tremendous talent ignored by the art world, really.
Finally I would like to share a comment made to me about my article in the Artist’s Book Year Book recently which was from a much respected source,
‘Your article is a remarkable documentary; lucid and unaffected, despite the fact that it records, in some detail, an impressively intellectual endeavour.’
There now, ‘everything comes to he who waits’, no fear no worries. Have a good one as they , well actually not ‘they’, say.